August 29th, 2006

Spam Ahoy!

For months now I’ve been getting the best-named spam ever. Usually each subject is just two words—two utterly unconnected words that make a fabulously nonsensical phrase. (Sometimes, though, the spammers get adventurous and hook together more than two.) They actually make me look forward to checking my bulk mail folder.


Today would have been no exception, but for the exceedingly high quality of the nonsense.


“Constitution collapsible,” one hissed at me. A double agent letting me in on a state secret, maybe. (Have I mentioned my lively imagination?)


“Left wing slept,” another confirms. (Seriously—I think I could make a story out of this.)


“Discharge turncoat,” adds another. (I can feel plotlines clustering in my mind.)


“Vocal Mathis. Modest alone.” This one just makes me sad. It makes me think of the rainy Saturday I spent writing a poem inspired by Antigone (yes, that fabulous Sophocles tragedy. And yes, it was a high school assignment) while listening to my mother’s Johnny Mathis record over and over and over and over. Never has so much sap poured out of one printer, I tell you.


But here’s my favorite:


“Tarantula those!”


Is it a battle cry? An insult? A snappy comeback by a Bond-esque superhero?


So many interpretations. So little spam. (I know, I can hardly believe I typed that myself. But if more spammers took the time to come up with entertaining subject lines, maybe we’d all feel a little more kindly toward them.)